Somewhat cleaning my apartment
I ran away from my life for a few days. When I came back, my apartment was absolutely trashed. Stuff was everywhere with no real intelligent thought as to where something should be. There were dishes in the sink that I didn't even remember making. The bathroom was just covered in clutter, clutter from a small shopping spree where I bought razors and other toiletries. For some reason, I just left them all over the floor. Some say that your living space can reflect your inner self, and according to the current state of my space, my inner self was anxious, stressed, and all over the place. I am grateful I did not leave the place filthy, though clutter is something I have struggled with for a very long time.
I set a timer. One hour. That's it. After one hour, I would be done. I put on a podcast, an episode of Stuff They Don't Want You To Know, a guilty pleasure I enjoy. I've been emphasizing quiet moments much more in my life lately, but sometimes the distraction is welcome, sometimes needed. Sometimes I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I just need an escape, I need to tune out whatever is going on and just listen to people talk. Strangers, people I don't even know. During this hour I built a lot of momentum, I put things away. I tried to define a place for certain things. I finally got around to setting up that old computer monitor. I cleared off my desk. I tidied up the bathroom and bought a sense of order to things.
Then the timer went off. And I stopped. I was done. I didn't keep going. Perhaps I could have kept going until my apartment was completely clean and tidy. But in that scenario, I would have worked myself to exhaustion. Good enough. That's what I've decided I am going to be OK with from now on. Just being good enough. For the entirety of my life, I have never felt good enough. I grew up inundated with unhealthy messaging from my family, and from social media. I have always tried to please others, to try to ask them for a justification for my existence. I searched for empty praise, for fake intimacy, for some sort of approval that gave me a reason for being on this planet. This way of life is exhausting. I feel as though modern life encourages it. It encourages you to breathe in this desire for praise, approval and attention from other people until you become nothing but how the rest of the world feels about you.
I just can't do it anymore. I quit. People can be disappointed in me all they want. For my own sanity and wellbeing, I just can't chase it anymore. I don't even know what for. I am good enough. I am good enough just the way I am. I'll work hard if I want to, but not because someone else wants me to. It's because I want to. There is always someone out there prettier than you, smarter than you, and richer than you. It doesn't matter who you are on this planet. At this point, with so much of the world feeling like it's going to collapse at any moment, I'm happy to get through the day.
So much feels so empty. A lack of community. The encouragement to chase material possessions, money, and prestige. I know people who carefully curate their lives on social media, and yet their reality is much sadder, and far less polished. I used to have the thought that maybe after my master's, I'll go for a PhD. But why? For what? Just to have a certificate that tells the world I am smart?
My career coach keeps telling me I need to figure out the life that I want, and then we can plan from there. Isn't it crazy that I have a career coach and not a life coach? I've also met some folks recently who slog through each day of their high-paying tech jobs, putting away as much as they can so they can retire early. This is a wonderful plan, but what also makes me a little sad about this, is that in the meantime they are counting down the days of their limited lifespan to escape from their current reality. It's not a diss on these people, maybe it points to something a little wrong with modern society, but I don't have a solution to it.
I've really put some thought into what my career coach is telling me. For one, I am fortunate enough to have one that does pay-what-you-can coaching. And perhaps, part of the life I want, I already have. Though I lack a lot of material wealth, I am wealthy in other ways. I cannot put a monetary value on the moments where I get to wake up next to the man that I am absolutely enamored with, where he holds me and calls me his schatz, meaning treasure in German. Or the few times a year I get to see certain friends, and catch up with what has been going on in their lives. I think these are the moments that really matter to me, moments that I can never make enough time for. Life can be so demanding. Your master's thesis or your job doesn't give two shits about your mental health, but the people that love you do.