I took off this morning
My apartment is a mess.
Clothes are everywhere. Dishes are piled up in the sink. There's this package of ground turkey in the fridge that I really should cook soon before it goes bad. I have about $112k of potential student loans looming over my head. I can barely make any progress on my master's thesis, but I keep trying. The lights are still on, but it's thankfully not a struggle. Not yet, anyway.
Dad died about two months ago. I don't really have good memories of him, but he was still my dad. There was no closure. Just sudden death. I've been do so much professional development since then, so much so that my career coach called it "inhuman."
I am tired. I am TIRED. I'm TIRED! It feels like I have a meltdown every single week because of the current state of the world. I joined this scholarship program to get a government job, but there are no government jobs now. I had this strong desire to "serve my country" but the government doesn't want you to serve anymore. All the while, I see on the news about how our President is posting AI slop videos of himself riding a plane and dropping shit on protestors, the government is STILL shutdown and feels like it will continue into the emminent future, and everything cybersecurity in the government feels like it is getting gutted. MITRE, CISA, threat intelligence feeds... "Govvies" who remain say they "do it for the mission" but is there really even a mission anymore?
So I took off this morning. Forget classes. Forget school. No, I don't want to attend that talk where "friends" who didn't reach out after my dad's passing will be there. The ones that look down on me, for not comforting THEM because of MY feelings. I don't know what I am doing all of this for. I love computers, I love learning new things, but I feel so defeated. I have worked hard my entire life and I feel like I don't have a lot to show for it.
Sometimes you just need to let yourself feel sad. Or upset. Or literally anything but denying how you feel about a situation.